Possibilities

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. Lots has happened in that time. My work has been overwhelmingly busy and challenging. I'm a child therapist and every day I am horrified at the things that children are forced to endure. At the same time, I'm amazed at the resilience of children. I kind of hate the word resilience because it seems to get thrown around as if we don't have to worry about child abuse because kids are naturally "resilient" and will be fine. Yes, there is unbelievable resilience in many children and it's amazing but the things that children have to endure, resilient or not, is not okay.

In other news, I took a weekend trip to California to see family and meet my newborn niece Natalia. She is sweet and beautiful and has a light in her eyes that makes my heart melt.

 Natalia Ann, age 10 weeks

On to health news. I continue to work out like a maniac. Swimming has become an intergal part of my week and I am now swimming 5 miles a week. Finally figured out my freestyle stroke and am doing half a mile of freestyle and half a mile of breast stroke at every work out. I'm amazed at my own swimming capacities and I think I love it!

I saw my endocrinologist last week for the first time since my diabetes diagnosis in December 2011. My endocrinologist is a specialist in thyroid disorders (why I see him every 3 months) and is also a specialist in diabetes. The good news is that my massive thyroid is shrinking. The Endo has an ultrasound machine right in his office and was able to measure my thyroid right then. My blood levels are also "perfect" which is a big part of the energy I have to swim and exercise so much. I've likely been hypothyroid for at least 20 years, quite possibly my entire life. It's amazing how much better I feel now that my thyroid is actually working. No wonder I felt like I was trying to move through molasses for most of my life!

The Endo was very surprised that I was diagnosed with diabetes. He was unhappy with the medication my primary care doctor had me on. One med is very very strong and bad for the pancreas. That medication makes it impossible to lose weight (probably why I've only lost 12 lbs despite all my healthy exercise and eating over the past 3 months) and nearly everyone on it ends up gaining weight. Yikes, that's no good, especially since in order to get off the meds I have to lose weight!

And then the craziness happened. The Endocrinologist told me that he doesn't think I have diabetes! That's right, friends, the diabetes specialist isn't so convinced I'm a diabetic. He thinks the bladder infection and prednisone (for URI) I was taking 2 weeks prior to the go-to-the-hospital-you-are-about-to-fall-into-a-diabetic-coma incident could have made it look like I have diabetes when I actually don't! I don't know if that's the case. My PCP definitely thinks I'm a diabetic.

Either way, I'm taking good care of myself and now have the possibility at a second chance- making lifestyle changes to PREVENT diabetes rather than manage it. 

The Endo took me off the crazy diabetes meds and upped the not so crazy meds (metformin). Since I've been off the crazy meds, my blood sugar has been completely normal. Completely. Normal.

It's only been a week so I'm curious to see what happens in the next few weeks. I get so excited when I am waiting for my glucose meter to tell me my blood sugar levels, I think partly because when the numbers are normal I still have hope that I am not diabetic!

Next PCP appt at the end of April. Next Endo appt in June. 

Another Reason to Shop

I'm truly becoming a gym nut. I just spent 3 hours reading articles about how to improve my swimming workouts. I even read articles about swimming-laps-etiquette. Turns out that swimming down the middle of the lane (like I prefer) is rude in the swimming world. I can't help it! I like the whole lane to myself! Plus, I fully extend my arms during breast stroke. Sharing a lane would mean that I'd be smacking into my lane partner! Of course, through my reading I've learned that my extended arm breast stroke is wrong. I'm doing it all wrong :) Looking forward to tweaking some things the next time I'm in the pool.

In addition to reading about improving my swimming, I just got sucked into an online swim outlet store. Online shopping is not a good idea for me! There are many things I've got my eye on. If I'm going to be swimming three times a week, I obviously need some new swimsuits. And there are these cool quick dry towels and swim caps for those of us with long hair (that's a necessity, right?!). And I really do need some cute cover ups that would make getting in and out of the gym quick and comfortable (and cute- another necessity, right?!).

Suddenly I have a cart full of *necessities*. I haven't checked out yet, I may need to consider these purchases for awhile longer. At some point, I may need to get a lap counter. As hard as I try, I just can't remember how many laps I've gone! So I just swim for an hour. But it would be better if I could keep track so I could see improvements in distance.

And I am holding off on what I really want- an underwater ipod and waterproof headphones set! THAT will be awesome but I'm looking around for the best one (wonder if the best one comes in purple or sparklies?!).

I've really been enjoying my workouts (swimming, cardio, and weights/resistance). Monique, you were right. It's becoming addictive.

One drawback to all the working out? Laundry. Now I have twice as much of it not to mention a swimsuit soaking in the sink every other day.

Benefits to working out? All kinds, especially my blood sugar which has been really, really, really great. I am kicking diabetes' ass. I am averaging between 75 (evenings) to 105 (mornings). A couple of too low readings again this week but nothing above 105 for more than a week, ever. Pretty amazing.

I'm getting better at noticing the symptoms of low blood sugar. It's funny, when I was diagnosed with a thyroid problem last year, I started blaming everything on my thyroid. Tired? Thyroid is to blame. Hungry? Thyroid. Grumpy? Thyroid.

Now that I'm a diabetic, I've got two conditions to blame. This evening as I was driving home from work, I started to get a headache. It kept getting worse and I just KNEW it was my blood sugar. My blood sugar was obviously way too low and it was giving me a headache. I thought about eating something to bring my blood sugar up but I didn't want to eat anything until I checked my blood sugar. And of course, being the newbie diabetic that I am, I didn't have my pokey test thingys with me.

So I drove home, convinced my headache was a sign of hypoglycemia. Tested my blood sugar. 92. Perfect. Not low, not high, not to blame for my headache.

I guess I just had a headache? Weird.

That's it. Good night.

P.S. Just decided I am buying the swimsuit I want. It IS a necessity!

Cars, Compliments, and a little gym-pool-OCD

Hello, hello. Things are good here- I got a brand new car and I LOVE it! It was quite a whirlwind week of test driving cars, making decisions (difficult for me), haggling with the car salesman over price (I did good!), cleaning out my old car, and getting insurance, registration, et al., in order.

It was all worth it because...

I LOVE my new car!

It's fancy!

Isn't it beautiful? And the inside is so fancy, too!

In other news, I am doing great with my new, healthy lifestyle. I worked out for about 45 minutes today on the Elliptical and then ventured into the weights/machines/resistance training and did a little muscle work. And then, because I am turning into a gym nut, I swam for an hour.

I made a new pool friend. His name is Eddie and he is quite a swimmer (and quite good-looking!). Anyways, we chatted a little bit at the end of the lane. Turns out that I'm not the only one who thinks the pool is kind of dirty. Eddie and I banded together to *encourage* the gym to clean the pool. I'm hoping it happens soon because I love to swim but I'd prefer a sparkling clean pool!

My blood sugar is good. Averaging 105 in the mornings and 80 in the evenings. I've had a couple of hypoglycemic incidents with my blood sugar dropping too low but I'm getting more aware of the symptoms and trying hard to keep everything regulated. I saw my doctor this week. He was happy with everything but says that I have to lose weight before I can come off of any of the blood sugar medications. He said that if I don't lose more weight, my blood sugar will just shoot back up without the medicine.

It's frustrating because I am working so hard with exercise and eating healthy, counting carbs/calories/protein. I can feel the difference and I have lost some weight (well, 47 pounds to be exact. I guess that qualifies as *some* weight) but only 7 pounds since the diagnosis and total lifestyle change.

A big part of the problem is my thyroid. I was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder in April 2011 and I've been on medication and seeing an Endocrinologist ever since. The thing about having a thyroid problem is that it is directly linked to my metabolism and weight.  You know how some people have *gland* problems that mess with their weight? Lucky me, I'm one of those people. The Endo thinks my thyroid has been wonky for years but it wasn't diagnosed until my hair started falling out and my thyroid grew so large that you can touch my neck and feel it. The thyroid disorder caused me to gain weight to begin with which means that my thyroid disorder, via causing me to gain weight, caused the diabetes. That stinks. And it's making it difficult for me to lose weight. 

But I'm hanging in there- totally motivated and feeling really good, even if the number on the scale is moving so slooooowly.

In other news, I have a thing for movie star sunglasses (i.e., huge sunglasses). My addiction started in college when a roommate gave me an awesome pair of movie star sunglasses. On Friday, I was waiting for a friend to go get lunch down at City Hall in Phoenix. I was sitting outside and, of course, wearing my current movie star sunglasses (black with sparklies on the sides). A woman walked by me, did a double take, turned around, and stared at me. 

She then walked over to me, apologized for staring, and told me she has very similar sunglasses. She then said, "When I saw you and realized we had the same glasses, I wondered if they looked that good on me? I wonder if I look like a movie star, too?"

Movie star sunglasses. Whether you really look like a movie star or not, they are good for the ego (and 

for blocking the sun).

Ugh.

Still going strong. Had a great workout this evening, really pushed myself. I am working on telling myself that I love working out while I am doing it. This is a total lie. But maybe if I keep telling this lie to myself, I will believe it.

In other, irritating news- my health insurance company is pissing me off. They are "reviewing" my ER visit in December. What? Here's the scoop:

Worked all day. Ran over to Urgent Care because my doctor's office was closed and I was pretty sure that I had a bladder infection. Decided to go get medicine as the two gallons of cranberry juice that I drank had not cured the problem (turns out the cranberry juice created new problems, unbeknownst to me at the time).

Urgent Care doctor totally freaked out- my urine sample had so much sugar in it that their machine couldn't measure it. Took my blood, my blood sugar levels were so high their machine couldn't register the number. He diagnosed me with Type 1 Diabetes, Uncontrolled. He pretty much told me I was about to go into a coma and needed to get to the nearest ER ASAP or I might die. He wouldn't even let me run home to feed my kitties and change out of work clothes into something more comfortable. And he didn't give me anything for my (horrifically painful) bladder infection.

I drove 4 miles to the nearest ER. Urgent Care people called me in the car b/c they were freaking out and then called the hospital to tell them I was coming. I then checked my health insurance online on my phone to make sure they covered the hospital I was going to. When I got to the hospital, the first thing I asked was if they accepted my insurance. Yes.

Long story shortened: at the ER forever, paid a $200 co-pay, luckily my ER doctor was adorable and awesome. Finally got pain medicine for my raging bladder infection. Went home with instructions to see my doctor on Monday morning for my newly diagnosed diabetes.

6 weeks later- received a letter from my health insurance company stating that my ER claim was "in review" due to missing information from the ER. Called and things didn't seem to be a big deal. Was told to keep an eye on the claim online. The hospital has 45 days to send in the requested info.

Logged in and guess what I found? Although the hospital accepts my insurance, apparently the random ER doctor that was assigned to me does NOT take my insurance. WTF? That is total bs. How is that even possible? I am not paying that full bill. I thought my co-pay was outrageous enough. I'm fighting this!

Can you believe that?

Movin' it!

I'm still moving it- it as in myself. Swimming for an hour twice a week, and 4 days a week spending 60 minutes on the ellipticals/serious cardio. My system right now is 30 minutes on the old school elliptical and then 30 minutes on the total body crossfit elliptical (arms and legs).

The first 20 minutes of cardio and swimming is the hardest, mostly mentally. Physically, I can totally do an hour of hardcore sweating my ass off workouts (especially now that they've redesigned the ellipticals so my feet and tootsies don't fall asleep anymore- that used to be the worst part about using the elliptical).

Mentally, I have to dissociate a little in order to stick it out in the pool and on the machines. I try to just stop thinking and when I can get to that space, no thinking, only focusing on my body and breathing, I can stick it out without issue. I also use narratives with myself, in my head, while working out, to remind myself why I'm doing this. For health. For life. For ME.

I tweaked my knee in the pool on Tuesday, it's finally starting to feel better and only gave me some weird twinges at the very end of my workout today. I took Wednesday off of working out to try and give my knee a little breathing room. Back to working out on Thursday and I've been very consistent. I'm proud of my self. Slightly irritated that my weight isn't falling off like on the Biggest Loser, I have to work my ass off for every ounce. But it's really not about weight, my weight is the lowest it's been in 10 years. It's about blood sugar and overall health.

Blood sugar-wise, things are very confusing. I just can't predict where my blood sugar is going to be at any given time. The good news is that it's low and even the highs aren't too highly concerning (highs currently are around 135 in the mornings, still over 330 points lower than the day of my diagnosis- 471- yikes). My evening levels are starting to get too low (as low as 72-82) and that is good news for getting off some of this medicine soon. Next doctor's appointment is on Wednesday morning.

Eating is going really well. The Lose it! program on my phone is a life-saver in keeping track of my carbs and nutrients. Plus, my mom sent me a George Foreman grill and a new toaster oven. Haven't used the toaster oven. Friends that know me well already know that I am afraid of appliances and electricity. And I haven't had a microwave in 13 years. I think they are scary. And yes, I am afraid of the new toaster oven.

I am afraid of the GF grill, too, but I conquered my fear today and used it. As a vegetarian, I am super excited about using the new grill for grilling vegetables! Today I grilled fresh asparagus, fresh green beans, and fresh red and green peppers. I added them to my high protein, low-carb after workout lunch of egg whites and mushrooms and fresh avocado. It was an awesome lunch! Really yummy, with less than 40 carbs (who knew that asparagus and green beans have so many damn carbs?! But those are good carbs, right?!).

Overall, I'm doing well! Really kicking ass, still totally motivated, and getting healthier and stronger every day. It's easier on the weekends, both working out and eating, but I've been working hard to keep things consistent during the work week, too. My goal is to kick diabetes' ass right out of my body.

Creepers won't stop me!

I continue on my road to good health. My road involves faithfully counting carbs, calories, protein, etc. (Thank you to Lose It! The best iphone app that helps me keep track of everything).  My road also involves lots of time at the gym and appears to be paved with sweat and chlorine.

I'm doing 60 minutes of cardio 5 days a week and swimming for 60 minutes on the other two days. Eventually, I'm going to go to a 5 day a week total work out schedule but right now I'm excited to exercise and feeling especially motivated so I'm going with it, going with it all the way to the gym every day.

My blood sugar has been a bit higher this week. Not sure what that's about. It's been about 130 which is spectacular compared to where it was 3 weeks ago but not at my goal of consistently under 100. Consistently under 100 means weaning off the medications and that's what I want. If I have to be diabetic (still feels weird to say it), I want to be a diabetic who is controlling her disease with diet and exercise, not medication.

I probably just need to chill out about it- 130 is really good and it's only been 1 month since diagnosis and lifestyle change. I do have a tendency to get a little obsessive about things :)

In good news, my weight is steadily dropping. I've noticed that the day after I've gone swimming, my weight is always 1 pound lower. I like that. That's what's keeping me in the pool because there are things that make me want to avoid the pool.

1. The pool looks kind of dirty to me. Is it because I haven't swam wearing goggles in years and now I can see every fuzz in the water and every speck of brown stuff on the pool bottom? Or am I just being obsessive (see two paragraphs above)? I have a touch of OCD, I'm not afraid to admit it, and yes, if I could clean the bottom of that pool, I would. Happily.

2. Pool Creepers. Mostly, the pool scene at the gym has been fine. A little weird and as I'd mentioned in a previous post, a bit of a good old boys club when it comes to getting a lane. Today was my first experience with an out-and-out creeper. Some dude that was shouting at me while I was swimming, asking me my name and then telling me how cute I am. Ew. Ewwwww. I think that's creepy, not flattering at all. It's along the same lines (but WORSE) of someone I don't know calling me "Sweetheart" or "Honey". You've got to know me pretty well to use those terms of endearment and most likely, if you do know me well, you won't call me "Sweetheart" or "Honey". I may look very young and sweet but I'm really not.

3. Despite my issues described in number 1 above, I leave the pool smelling so strongly of chlorine that I almost smell like bleach. This would not bother me if I smelled like bleach because I was cleaning the bottom of the pool with bleach but that dream is out of my reach. Even after I shower, I can still smell the chlorine on me. I don't like it.

Although I have some valid gym-pool issues, I do like to swim, it feels good on my body, and has pretty much guaranteed another pound lost. So I'm going to keep swimming, creeper or not.

P.S. I had my blog settings wrong and the comment section didn't work. I have fixed that and now expect massive amounts of comments from the millions of people (or 1 or 2 people) who are reading my blog. I'm sure that's why I've never had a comment before :)

Gym Nut

I've been faithfully following my low carb diet AND my workout plan. My blood sugar has been higher in the mornings for the last couple of days (140 this morning). I'm working on that. Tonight, after my workout and before dinner, it was 91 (!) which is the best it's been. If I can keep it below 100 for the next two weeks, my doctor is going to start taking me off these crazy diabetes pills. That's a big goal for me.

I'm very lucky, it seems we've caught the diabetes before any serious damage to my system. My cholesterol is normal (although my good cholesterol is too low which my doctor says will improve as I exercise). My kidneys are normal, the blood flow to my feet is good. I'll be retested in 3 months and I'm excited to see the improvement at that time after all my hard work!

As for the gym, it's a different world in that place. And by different I mean...different! Interesting people in that place. If I wasn't so busy fighting to keep myself moving, there would be some serious people watching going on in there.

I don't want to bash other women so this next comment is as non-judgmental as possible: What is with all the make up at the gym? I can't figure it out- some of the women are actually fully made up with everything, even FOUNDATION and EYE SHADOW.

I can't comprehend the make up. Of course, after just 10 minutes my face is purple and dripping sweat, so make up at the gym would not work for me. But that can't be good for the skin. Anyways, I really don't want to be all judgmental or anything, I'm just so thrown by all the make up at the gym. And it's not just the females. I've seen some men with seriously styled hair and I've wondered about that, too. I would sweat all that gel and hairspray out in 10 minutes!

Despite these little observations, it's a nice gym. All kinds of people there, working hard. And I'm one of them.

A Day at the Concrete Beach

Kind of a crazy night around here. Woke up to spotlights shining through my bedroom window. Turns out a neighbor's condo caught on fire and it was just total chaos. Luckily no one was hurt. Unfortunately, I have a fear of fires and this has triggered extra anxiety. Truthfully, I'm afraid of a lot of things (fire, sharks, airplanes, germs, etc). The good news is that I worked some of that anxiety out at the gym/

Day 5 I decided to mix things up and went to the gym to swim laps. I'd planned to swim for 60 minutes but didn't remember how challenging swimming is! It was a weird atmosphere at the gym pool. Kind of a good old boys club. But I finally got a lane all to myself and I used it.

Started out with 4 laps of the breast stroke, did one lap of backstroke, one lap of freestyle (which I am REALLY rusty at), and then went back to breast stroke. I walked a couple of laps and for the last 10 laps, I resorted to my favorite "stroke" in childhood, dolphin dives. That was fun, not sure if it's really an effective exercise but I figured it was good to just keep moving. Who knows, maybe dolphin dives cure diabetes :)

I made friends with the elderly man in the lane next to me. His goal was to swim 40 laps so I decided to adopt his goal as my own. I had trouble remembering which lap I was on so I ended up doing 50 laps (45 minutes) to make sure that I got more than 40.

There aren't very many lanes in the lap pool, only 3 (which can be shared to make 6 lanes total). They were full when I got there so I waited patiently. While I was swimming/dolphin diving my 50 laps, there were people waiting to swim so I had an audience. I mostly ignored them although there was an embarrassing moment when I first got in the pool and was swimming under the lane dividers. I surfaced in a lane, only to smack my head against the lane divider. I pulled a kitty move by pretending nothing happened/I meant to do it.

The pool was kind of dirty. That grosses me out (remember my fears, including germs). The pool drain was really dirty, as far as I could tell through my new pink goggles. The drain is in the middle lane and my goal is to never get stuck swimming in the middle lane. I don't want to pass over that nasty drain 50 times! I'm going to find out when the pool is cleaned and plan to swim the following day. Hoping to incorporate swimming into my fitness routine 1-2 times per week.

Plan is to take a day off from working out tomorrow. First day back at work after the holiday break and I have a dermatology appointment for a skin cancer screening (another of my fears) in the late afternoon. Back to the gym on Wednesday for 60 minutes of cardio.

Blood sugar this morning was 117 (!)

Yikes or A Whole New Life

3 1/2 weeks ago I went to Urgent Care for a suspected bladder infection. I'd had symptoms for a couple of days and had been drinking massive amounts of cranberry juice to get rid of the problem. I hadn't taken any time off of work and on that particular day, a Friday, I'd worked all day. But I was concerned that the bladder infection was getting worse and figured I'd just swing by for some medicine.

It turned into a horrific ordeal. My blood sugar was so high that Urgent Care's machine couldn't even read it. They diagnosed me with probable Type 1 diabetes, Uncontrolled. They sent me to the hospital (where I fell in love with my doctor. Oh.My.God, he was amazing!). My blood sugar was 471 at that point. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, plus I was a bit distracted by the flaming pain in my bladder. Hours and hours later, I was home with those life-saving little orange bladder infection pain pills and a new diagnosis. Diabetes.

I'm a diabetic.

My doc thinks it's Type 2 because my body is producing some insulin (blood sugar higher in the mornings). I have been busting my ass for the last 3 1/2 weeks since my diagnosis. Low carb diet (not easy as a vegetarian) and exercise. My number one goal is to get off this diabetes medicine by controlling my blood sugar through diet and exercise. Goal number two is to lose weight.

The last 4 days have been a jump start into working out. 50 mins on the elliptical the first day (3.19 miles). 60 minutes on the elliptical the last 3 days (average 3.5-4 miles per session).

I can hardly move this evening.

Tomorrow- planning to swim and hoping for 60 minutes of swim movement.

I'm going to do this.

2 am Catnip Party

It's 2 am. Sunday night/Monday morning. I should go to sleep. I have to work in the morning. It's not a bad day, just seeing 3 children for therapy and then coming home to do a ton of paperwork. Paperwork that I should have done on Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. But I just never got around to it this weekend. And really? I shouldn't be doing paperwork on the weekend.

So it's 2 am. Did the dishes. Finished laundry. Did a tiny bit of paperwork. I just started watching Big Love and I just gave my kitties some catnip. Why not? If we are all up at 2 am, a catnip party makes perfect sense!

Charlie approves!

"Don't Call the Police!"

Last winter, at about 8 pm in the evening on a Sunday night, there was a knock at my front door. My front porch light was burned out so I couldn't quite see who the person was. I didn't open the door; instead, I called out, "Who is it?"

"It's your neighbor. I locked myself out of my house. Let me come in." A male voice shouted.

My first instinct was to step away from the door and firmly state, "No." I didn't recognize the voice and I didn't like the demand he made to come in my house. Then I was confused; what was he asking?

"Wait, what's wrong? You locked yourself out of your house?" I took a tentative step towards the door.

"It's more than that but if I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy. Let me in." Something about the whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable. I was confused and my instincts were shouting internally at me to not open the door. Before I could say anything, he pounded on my door again. I shouted out, "No. You can't come in."

"Fine," he said. "I'll just wait here until you come out. I'll wait here for you until you leave for work in the morning." Suddenly my heart started pounding. WHAT? And then he shouted, "Don't call the police."

I ran for the telephone as he pounded on my door. I dialed 911 and was immediately put on hold! A real person didn't even answer, just a recorded message telling me to wait! The man was pounding on my door, shouting at me. I turned off the lights so he couldn't see me and ran upstairs with the phone, trying to peek out the upstairs window to see who this person was. He was standing so close to the front door that I couldn't see him from the window.

Finally, the 911 operator came on the line. Almost apologetically, I described the situation. "I'm not even sure if this should be a 911 call but he's really scaring me." She validated the call, saying that I definitely had a reason for calling. The police were on their way. He continued to yell at me through the door but my heart was beating so loudly and I was so focused on the 911 operator, I couldn't hear him. It took the police nearly 5 minutes to get there- it was a looong time.

I saw the three police officers' flashlights and I could hear them through the door as they approached. The scary man was standing with his face pressed against my door. An officer called out, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

The man shouted at the police officers, "You can search me but I'm not moving from her door."

"What?" said a policeman.

"I can't move from her door. I'll explode."

Oh. My. God. What?!? The 911 operator was still on the phone with me and she heard what he said. "Get away from the door!" She shouted at me through the phone. "Get away from the door, get as far away from the door as you can! But don't go outside!" I grabbed my dog and ran her upstairs to a back bedroom. Did this guy have explosives? What the fuck was he talking about? I ran back down stairs and grabbed my kitty Lucy and ran her upstairs to the back bedroom. I was shaking and terrified.

The 911 operator relayed to me what was happening. "They're searching him, he doesn't have any explosives, doesn't have a weapon." I went back downstairs and peeked out the window. It took the three officers to literally carry the man away from my door. They laid him down on the sidewalk in front of my house. They talked to him and he told them about how he'd been implanted with computer chips that were going to take over the world. He told them he had things he wanted to give me. Toys he wanted to give me. He wanted to tell me about the end of the world. Blah blah blah.

They eventually took him to a psychiatric hospital. The whole ordeal lasted about 3 hours. Of course, I was totally freaked out. Turns out he IS a neighbor and he's obviously seriously mentally ill. The psychiatric hospital released him that night. He came home and, according to neighbors, spent most of the early morning hours banging rocks against a wall and screaming. The police came back 3 or 4 times that week. I was a mess. I called in sick to work for the entire week. I was afraid to leave my house. I was afraid to be at home. It was pretty freaking traumatic.

Eventually he was hospitalized for about a month. And then he came back.

He has a mullet. When he came back from the hospital, he had shaved it into a mohawk. It's grown back into a mullet. He scares me. I wish he would move away. Every time I see him I think about how ill he is and I hope that he's taking his medication. When all this happened last winter, I had notified my HOA and they warned him that any further egregious behavior was not acceptable. But if someone is that sick, with serious psychotic delusions, can the HOA really regulate egregious behavior?

Tonight, I was in my backyard with Sophie and I heard someone yelling at someone/something, "Get the fuck back in the house!Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I peeked over my wall. There he was, by his car. I think he was yelling at his dogs, two little Chihuahuas that he walks everyday. He carries one in a baby sling when he walks them. I quickly went back into my house. I don't want to draw his attention to me, ever.

I never used to be scared of him but everything is different now. I still see him sometimes walking his dogs. He walks by my house. I don't like it. I have a house alarm now and some mace. He makes me nervous because I won't know if he's gone off his medication unless he freaks out again. I don't like being part of any one's psychotic delusions.

New Love(bugs)!

I've been a terrible blogger. Not a single post from March to December. And in that time, some things have changed (or I should say, some things have been added) in my life.

Introducing......

Charlie

AND

Leo

My new little lovebugs!

It's been quite a jolt of energy in my home; two kittens = a lot of kittens! These photos are of the boys in their foster home before they came home with me. They are now 8 months old and HUGE! I'll post updated photos soon (because I've got at least a million photos of these guys!). And I'll have to update on the challenges that have come with parenting one of these kittens. Can you guess which one is giving me a hard time?

In other news, I've applied for a new job. I LOVE my current job as a child therapist but the politics and administration of the program I work in is too much lately (well, for the past year). It's definitely outweighing my love for my work and another opportunity may be in the works. It's a huge new grant to provide mental health consultation with a focus on children birth to 5 years old to child care centers, doctor's offices, and other agencies. Depending on which agency gets the grant and whether I get the job, it will hopefully give me a chance to take a break from the intense clinical work and, more importantly, from the office politics of my current program. I'm also hoping for a substantial raise with the new position but it's still non-profit so I'm not holding my breath! I should know more in the next week.

In the meantime, all is well. Christmas shopping will start and end this weekend for me and hopefully I will have everything that needs to be mailed/shipped ready to go by Monday (or Tuesday). I'm not going back to Iowa this year. There's too much going on here and I just need a break- no traveling this holiday season. Thank goodness.

Traveling Together

Sophie is the perfect traveling companion. She loves riding in the car (as long as we aren't headed to the v-e-t). We've done quite a few Arizona to Iowa road trips together over the past 13 years.

Some of the trips were with one of my college roommates, one was with my college boyfriend, one was with Sophie and Sally, and a couple were just Sophie and me.

Luckily my roadtrip singing never seemed to bother her!

Sweetness

Fireworks, thunder, and rain create this sweetness:

They feel better together. I adore them.

My thumb is officially green (and purple) this year

For 15 years I've found it impossible to keep anything alive in the Arizona desert of my backyard.

Typically I plant flowers and stuff in February. By June everything is dead. Well, except aloe. Aloe must be kind of like a weed because it thrives here even if you don't do anything to help it (i.e., give it water). I can grow aloe! And my aloe blooms every few years. Big orange flowering stalks! Who knew?

Anyways, I've never had anything else survive longer than a few months, much less actually bloom.

Until today.

This purple (yes, purple!) guy bloomed today! And by the looks of those little pod things, more purple flowers are coming!

I have no clue what kind of plant this is. I am sure I bought it specifically because it said something about being able to survive harsh drought-like conditions (and had purple flowers!). I planted it last November. And today it bloomed!

Sure, it's petals are a little warped. I don't care. It bloomed!

If you have a fear of the dentist, don't look!

The economy is bad right now. Really, really bad. But I hope no one is in a situation where they have to go to a dentist who advertises with spray paint and a big wooden board. Extractions? No thanks.

Winter Dreaming?

In 1994 I moved to Arizona as an 18 year old college student. And I'm still here. And I'm not sure why.

I finished college. I got a job. I bought a townhouse. I worked. I changed jobs twice within the same agency. I went back to school (and kept working). I earned my master's degree. And now? I work.

My life primarily consists of work, dreaming of winning the lottery, and (my very favorite part of my life) being a total homebody whenever possible and spending time with my girls Sophie, Sally, and Lucy.

I'm not sure I'm super happy. I don't think I'm miserable either. But I'm not where I want to be (mentally, physically, emotionally, geographically?). I'm not there yet. And I'm not sure where there is.

This last year has been a challenge, somehow inexplicably feeling more challenging than the three years that I was working full-time AND going to graduate school AND completing 20 hour a week internships. Don't get me wrong, that was an incredible challenge from which I am still trying to recover. But somehow, right now, things in my life feel a little unbalanced and feel a lot uncertain.

Sally suddenly became sick on May 9th, 2008. She was put to sleep that evening and my heart was broken (and it's still broken). Lucy has been sick forever it seems although she is finally responding to a new medication. And Sophie is Sophie; she's 14 now and going blind and has arthritis. Recent tests indicate she may have a type of cancer but she is not showing any symptoms yet.

I love parts of my job and I do not even kind of like some parts of my job. The state of Arizona recently lost our blue governor as she joined Obama's cabinet. She was replaced by a red governor who wasted little time completely destroying services and resources for the most vulnerable in our community: children, people with disabilities, the elderly, and low income families. These insane budget cuts have touched the lives of my clients and my agency. Friends have lost jobs. Children have lost much needed services. I still have a job but I've taken decreases in reimbursement and increases in caseload. So I'm working more and getting paid less. And I wasn't making that much to begin with.

Another thing that has me off balance is a completely random, bizarre, scary event that literally happened at my front door about a month ago. I don't feel like going into it all but to summarize, a mentally ill man showed up at my front door, said scary things, and had to be physically carried away by the police. And it turns out that he is a neighbor. Suddenly my safe, secure homebodyness is threatened by scary insecurity and I can't quite regain my balance.

I might move back to the midwest. But then I think that I might be crazy. I left as an 18 year old with teenage reasons for leaving. And now I'm a 32 year old thinking about moving back. But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm still running away from...something.